He loved, loved it.
As I contemplate the last year with William, I marvel that all I feel is love and sorrow that it is over. I wonder at how I can cherish days that were so challenging. It is difficult to try to soothe an inconsolable baby. William was that baby. It was especially hard on Mark. I remember Mark saying that there is no sound of a baby crying that was pleasant, but something about William's pitch was just torture for him. In those moments that I walked the house with a screaming baby I remember turning to jelly beans and mint Oreos (allergy free) more than anything else. I remember feeling the dread of trying to help him and failing. His cries made me feel that I had failed and was continuing to fail as I sought to calm and comfort him. I would do anything to just stop the sound of that crying, but I couldn't. I couldn't just leave him to suffer on his own in his crib so I just tried the best I could to soothe him... and ate so many Oreos. Now, William's suffering is over, my stress levels are back to normal, and all I am left with is an overwhelming feeling of love for this boy. Could I feel the same love for him if I left the care of him to another for this year and then came back to be his mother? I can't imagine how that could be true. Maybe the last year of caring for him under such difficult circumstances was the price I paid to feel the love that I do. Would I do it again? There is no question. My only question is what I can do so that I might always be filled with this love.
Our "party"was the following day. We went to Dad's work and brought him lunch.
William has such a happy temperament now. I think it was probably his allergies that made him so miserable. I love this look that he gives me. You can kind of see it here. He puts his chin to his chest and looks at me through long lashes, giving me the sweetest grin.
What could be better than this?
1 comment:
Mandy, I love this post. Abby is seven months old and getting better every month. Like you said, I love her with a fierceness, and although I am seven months sleep deprived, I wouldn't change a thing. I also eat a TON of mint oreos... I have them hidden everywhere - in the van, in my "secret" cupboard in the kitchen. I laughed out loud when I read about your oreo habit, as well! :)
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