I believe in a God that speaks to His children in many different ways. While not all dreams can be attributed to the Lord, the scriptures give evidence that He established this method as one way to communicate with His children.
Several months ago I had one of these dreams. In the dream I met a woman who was very sad. I didn’t know the details, but I understood that her pain had come from a difficulty in marriage. Her sorrow was aggravated by confusion about what God expected of her as a woman and how the woman/man relationship was supposed to work. Additionally, she expressed something to me that led me to believe that this trial had begun to even erode her faith in God and His love for her. I felt great concern for this woman, and yet I felt hope. I had some new insights obtained in my recent Gospel study that I felt would be comforting and even healing to her. Though she wasn’t of my faith, I reassured her that I had answers for her and that if she would come to our church I was going to be speaking in Sacrament Meeting about her very concerns. She gratefully accepted my invitation and we parted ways.
I had plenty of time to prepare my talk and get to church to speak. However, as the dream went on, to my alarm and shame, I was unable to do either thing. Found in a state common only in dreams, I was unable to accomplish those simple tasks. I felt as though I was walking through mud or glue. I lacked focus and energy. I didn’t know quite where I was. Worst of all, I knew that Sacrament Meeting was beginning and I was unprepared to speak and nowhere near the church.
At this moment I woke-up. I was left with a very disconcerting feeling. As I reflected on my dream, I believe it had a message from God to me but at this point I was confused about what the dream meant. Motivated by wanting to extinguish the uncomfortable feeling, I searched in my mind for possible interpretations and what God was asking me to do. I prayed and pondered while I lay in bed. The conclusion I came to was that there must be a woman that is hurting somewhere that I could help, but I am unprepared to do so. I decided to attempt to write out the things I have learned about these issues and continue to study the principles that I have not yet clarified. Once I made this decision, my anxious feelings were replaced by comfortable ones.
I have wondered who might the woman in the dream represent.
Is it ____? She is married to a good man who tries to do what is right but struggles in understanding what it means to be the leader of their family. His misunderstanding of the meaning of “presiding” causes much anguish in her life as well as his. She is told what she can and can’t do. When she has a differing opinion about something that their family should do, he sulks because he feels like she should obey him. He seeks for control through anger or ignoring her. She is the most meek, loving, forgiving, and patient woman I have ever met. Though his actions has caused her great sorrow, I think his failure, to understand and act in the way God would have him to, has caused him more pain. It has surprised me to see that this domineering type of thinking still exists, but I have seen it. President Hinckley saw it too. He once said: “How tragic and utterly disgusting a phenomenon is wife abuse. Any man in this Church who abuses his wife, who demeans her, who insults her, who exercises unrighteous dominion over her is unworthy to hold the priesthood. I regret to say that I see too much of this ugly phenomenon.” While I don’t believe my friend’s husband ever intended to abuse his wife, his misunderstanding of doctrine has led him to do exactly that. I wonder if she could be the woman in my dream.
Another person comes to mind. She was once my faithful missionary companion. She was fiery in her faith and determination to live the Gospel in the way that she understood it. Reconnecting with her years later I saw that she was still full of love. When she was my companion she got fired up with joy when she talked about the Restored Gospel. She gets fired up still, but now the fire comes in contradiction about what is taught in church and instead of joy there is anger and hurt. Once the joy of the Gospel burned in her heart, now what burns in her heart are unanswered questions. With the same determination that I knew so well as a missionary, she holds on to her religion amidst her doubts and hurts. Her hurt is wrapped up in the words follow, preside, women, and men. While she can be found on the pew in Sacrament Meeting, she is no longer in the temple. As I gained a greater understanding of her concerns through our conversation, my heart ached and I said to myself, “No. Not her. She was supposed to serve in the General Auxiliaries of the Church. She was supposed to speak in General Conference.” I do not look down on her or feel critical of her. She is a strong, amazing woman. She is hurt. I wonder if she could be the woman in my dream.
When, as faithful people, we don’t understand God’s teachings we experience spiritual dissonance that is at first uncomfortable and finally painful. Because of that pain we sometimes murmur. Isaiah declared, “They also that erred in spirit shall come to understanding, and they that murmured shall learn doctrine.” In other words, when we get to the other side of the veil and have a chance to discuss our questions, the outcome won’t be that we realize we were right and God was indeed wrong. Rather, our fears and our murmurings will be silenced as we learn doctrine. We will learn our murmuring against God was a result of not fully understanding Him or his doctrine. I have found this to be true in my life. When I suffered the pain that came from a Gospel misunderstanding it wasn’t God or His teachings that needed to change, it was me. Or more specifically, it was my understanding of the doctrine and the condition of my heart before God. My heart became right before God when I decided to trust Him and have faith in Him again. Once, my heart was right things changed. Immediately, I felt peace again in my life. Slowly, almost imperceptibly, the learning has followed.
Learning has come “line upon line” to me as gently as morning dew accumulates on the grass as I have devoted my life to studying God’s word and building His kingdom. I expect that my understanding is very incomplete and I will yet learn much more. But, in an attempt to share what I have learned, I will write out my thoughts. We sing the words, “As I search the holy scriptures...may by unseen wounds be healed.” I hope my study of the scriptures and sharing with you what I have learned from them will, in some small way, do just that.
So, who is the woman in my dream? It could be many different women. It could be the woman that feels oppressed by church doctrine and perceived inequality. It could be the woman in a relationship with a domineering man or one serving in a church calling with someone who doesn’t show regard and respect for her perspective. It might be the woman who is not oppressed by any outside force, but suppressed from within because of her own incomplete understanding of the role God would have her play. It could be the strong independent woman who unintentionally alienates and sends the message to her husband or Church leader, “I have no need of you.” She would never consider herself domineering, and yet not allowing her husband to play his part, that is exactly what she has become. Each of these women experience sorrow because of a lack of understanding, because of strife in relationships that are supposed to be beautiful and fulfilling. The woman in my dream is your sister, your best friend, your mother; it is you, and it is me.
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