I read a lot when I had the luxury of time as a teenager. In an effort to stay way from the filth of teenage romance novels, I turned to church fiction books. In many of the historical fiction books that I read I began to contemplate and feel very uncomfortable with the idea of polygamy. Perhaps because of my youth, I was uninhibited by social restraints. Every seminary teacher, Young Women’s leader, Sunday School teacher, and parent in my realm was aware of my concerns. I was looking more to argue and express my hurt, than get answers. I prayed about it, but my prayers were telling God why I disagreed with Him. I was hurt for the women that lived polygamy, and feared what it said about a God that would ask women to live this law. At the heart of my questions where how a God could both love me and be equally fair to both men and women and have this law. I regret to say that I terrorized my teachers with my belligerent questioning. I was informed by one adult that I was right and that I could start praying to Heavenly Mother and giving blessings to children. This time was a dark time of sadness for me. But it didn’t last, light came.
My questions were only resolved many months later as I decided to trust God again. I tired from feeling estranged from Him. In the very immature language of a 17 year old I told Him in prayer, “If you want me to be me to be barefoot and pregnant (paradoxically, there would be nothing more wonderful to me than this) and beat by my husband (yeah, I never wanted that and luckily it never happened), then that is what I want too. Because I know that thou lovest me and I trust thee more than I trust myself. But, wilt thou teach me, in thy time, about these principles. I do not understand them and I want to.” What relief that prayer brought! I still remember the great peace I felt. Interestingly that peace didn’t come with all the answers, it came with faith. Many answers have come since then. This paper contains part of them. When the answers have come sometimes I turn heavenward and I gratefully ask, “What was that for? What did I do to deserve that?” The answer comes in the image of a seventeen year old girl, on her knees in her prayer, offering up her heart, in a very inarticulate prayer.
A major turning point for me in deciding to change my hurt, oppositional stance with God to a trusting, submissive one was remembering lessons from my childhood. My mom died of leukemia when I was 6. I grieved much longer than anyone around me ever realized . Yet somehow out of that mess I saw God make something beautiful. I saw Him make me and my siblings into the people we became as a result of that trial. Even as an aching teenager I recognized that if I had the power to change my life and life and somehow magically not have my mother die, I wouldn’t do it. I think it is interesting that the very first requirement in Moroni’s challenge is to “Remember how merciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men, from the creation of Adam even down until the time that ye shall receive these things, and ponder it in your hearts.”
Questions come. They are not a sign of unrighteousness. As Elder Holland said in speaking of Lehi’s dream, “It is imperative to note that this mist of darkness descends on all the travelers—the faithful and the determined ones (the elect, we might even say) as well as the weaker and ungrounded ones. The principal point of the story is that the successful travelers resist all distractions, including the lure of forbidden paths and jeering taunts from the vain and proud who have taken those paths.” Many talks have been given in conference to comfort those with questions, guide them, and to reassure them that having doubts and questions does not make you evil.
What defines our righteousness is how we respond when we are confronted with questions. I find it interesting to contrast the questions that Nephi had to the questions that his less faithful older brothers had in response the the vision of the Tree of Life that their father Lehi presented to them. Their questions were exactly the same. “What meaneth the tree which he saw? “What meaneth the rod of iron which our father saw, that led to the tree?” “What meaneth the river of water which our father saw?” The great difference between Nephi and his brothers were how they approached God when the questions came. Laman and Lemuel, not understanding the dream of their father, disputed with each other in an effort to figure it out. When Nephi asked them if they had inquired of the Lord, they responded, “We have not; for the Lord maketh no such thing known unto us.” Somehow they felt that the blame of the lack of revelations to them was the Lord’s. Nephi wanted a deeper understanding of the dream. His attitude was in stark contrast to his brothers as is seen in his words, “I had desired to know the things that my father had seen, and believing that the Lord was able to make them known unto me, as I sat pondering in mine heart I was caught away in the Spirit of the Lord.” The difference was not the presence of questions, it was the presence of faith.
I believe that we can have answers to difficult Gospel questions. But that the very most essential first step is if we have faith in God and in his prophets. Do we believe as Isaiah taught of God? “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
Do we follow the proverb’s counsel? “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” It has been my experience that this deep humility, love and trust in the Lord proceed answers to questions, but that answers come!
Perhaps the very best illustration I have ever seen of the deep humility and trust in God that we must have in the face of difficult questions comes from the life of Brother Johnson. He was a pastor who desperately wanted to enjoy the blessing of Church membership, but was denied that blessing because he was black. When asked if he ever got mad at God he laughed at such a ludicrous thought and responded that no, God was too good to him to ever get mad at Him. Their stories are so inspiring it is worth watching them share their faith and trust in their own words. We can have this kind of faith and humility. We must have it.
I believe that getting the answers to our questions doesn’t resolve our concerns. Only faith resolves the concern. Answers can and will come, but we must first have the experience of submitting yourself to God, trusting him, having faith in Him.
Unfortunately, the questions I faced as a teenager were not the last Gospel questions that I have grappled with. But, I hope that they were the last questions that I will ever face where my faith, trust, and allegiance to God were not firmly planted.
When question come to me now, I hear the scriptural question in my mind, "Will ye also turn away?" And my answer to him is, "To whom shall we go? Thou hast the words of eternal life."
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