I am sad when I look back on history and see that women were not always considered equal to men. That sorrow is magnified when I see women suffering the same prejudice today. I recently spoke to a friend that finds herself in just such a circumstance. Instead of always being valued as an equal partner in her marriage, she often is criticized and controlled. The salt in the wound is the analysis of a well-intentioned therapist. Instead of finding comfort from the therapist, there is more criticism. She seems to be criticized from every angle. She is looked down upon by her husband because she wants to buy frivolous items like paper towels; she is looked down upon by the therapist because she doesn’t leave that marriage.
This friend called me on this day that she found to be particularly disheartening. It was the kind of day when you replay every discouraging thing that people have told you about your situation, or even that you have imagine that they have thought. At the bottom of the downward spiral of thoughts there was one particularly ugly fear: maybe she wasn’t so good afterall. Maybe what she thought was her strengths, weren’t of benefit to her or to those around her. Was her unfair treatment somehow her fault? Was her determination to stay by her husband and preserve her family really just enabling his behavior?
Her discouragement, coupled with the criticism of others, made us reconsider what we once thought to be true. Should a woman leave a marriage because a man is controlling with money, critical, and not willing to consider her as an equal partner? The therapist would say, “Absolutely. This treatment isn’t fair. You can’t change your husband and you deserve better!”
But, if unequal marriages should be terminated, if that therapist could go back in time, would she counsel women to leave their homes and families if their situations were unfair? Wouldn’t that end nearly all of the marriages of the 50’s? But, didn’t they raise great children and have wonderful familial success even in unequal circumstance? Would seeking equality be worth such a high price to pay? Maybe we should be more cautious to not throw the baby out with the bathwater as we seek for total equality while trying to preserve our families.
But, my friend and I happen to like the 50’s. We want to be as cute and nurturing as June Cleaver.
We want our homes to be as clean, comfortable, and lovely as June’s home. We know what it makes us feel to be like in a refuge like that, we want to provide that feeling for those we love most. We want our kitchen tables to resemble the Norman Rockwell painting “Freedom From Want”
However, we would also like to enjoy the more enlightened perspective of our times. We want the freedom to become anything we want, to study any topic, and at any university. We want the respect of others; to know that our opinions and perspectives are esteemed. We want to be valued as equal to men. Isn’t there a way that women can have the old-fashioned home life of the 50’s and the freedom of opportunity and respect of our times? Can’t we have both? How will we get there? How does my friend get there in her marriage?
I tucked my short conversation with my friend in the back of my brain and went along with the rest of my day. It came out again later that day during my scripture study. During that study I found my answer. I believe I learned how the fairness I yearn for will eventually be achieved.
I happened to be reading a section known as the Servant Songs in the book of Isaiah. In these chapters a remarkable servant is described. It is prophesied that this servant would have great character and accomplish great good. Scholars speculate about what characters in history could fulfill the requirements listed or what leader will yet come. Though there may be several servants that fulfill parts of these prophesies, the only mortal that has ever lived, that could ever live up to all that is prophesied in these chapters, is the Lord Jesus Christ. Ultimately, I believe all of the servant songs are not only a description of who the Lord is, but also who he would like us to become.
The servant is described as one who would be able to accomplish a feat many other rulers tried to do before, but ultimately failed. The servant would be able to bring justice to the world (Isaiah 42:1 reads, “He shall bring forth judgment to the Gentiles.” Other translations of that sentence are that he would, “Bring justice to the nations.” ). Considering other powerful nations and leaders that sought justice, I also see a loss of freedom, undervaluing of the individual, and brutality. Though much less grave, I even have tendency tinged with this imperfection as a mother. Playing with my children, cuddling up with them to read them a good book, and serving them up delicious treats are things that I love to do. But sometimes motherhood requires that I seek for order, justice, and fairness. There have been many times I have regretted that my firmness was a little too cranky. Sometimes in my quest to “get things done” I clumsily trample around on the fragile little things around me. And so I absolutely marvel at the next description of this prophesied servant.
This servant would bring “justice to the nations” not using coercion and force, but gentleness and persuasion. Verse two begins with a description of the gentleness of this ruler, “He shall not cry, nor lift up (the voice), nor cause his voice to be heard in the street.” --Isaiah 42:2. This leader achieves justice in a terribly unfair world, and would do so without raising his voice! The following verse is a further description of the gentleness of this servant: “A bruised reed shall he not break, and the smoking flax shall he not quench” (Isaiah 42:3). In other words, he will not harm or hurt the weakest. A well known historical example of this brutality is Nazi Germany and their quest for a perfect society. They sought to eliminate the weakest such as the mentally retarded and those and absolutely trampled those that would stand in their way. How opposite they were from the description of the Servant!
The scriptures continue by teaching, “He shall bring forth judgment unto truth” (Isaiah 42:3).The justice that will be achieved will not be based upon opinion, culture, or any other inconsistent thing. It will be according to the unchanging truth of God.
In the final description of this servant we gain a more complete understanding of patience of the servant. Not only was there gentleness, there was also unwavering determination: “He shall not fail nor be discouraged, till he have set judgment in the earth: and the isles shall wait for his law” (Isaiah 42:4). As human beings, we make efforts to change; we make mistakes and are not perfect on our first try. We should marvel at this servant who would not stop or even get discouraged until the goal was reached.
We typically think of the servant of God as a member in a church calling, but there is no more important calling that we have than husband, wife, mother, father, child. The patience described by this servant is what we must have in our family relationships. We can strive to be more like the servant in our marriages. It isn’t to say that as Latter-day Saints that we don’t believe in divorce. Prophets have taught us that sometimes the terrible costs that come with divorce are worth the risks because the damage in staying is even greater. Elder James E. Faust taught:
Divorce can be justified only in the rarest of circumstances. In my opinion, “just cause” for divorce should be nothing less serious than a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship that destroys a person’s dignity as a human being. Divorce often tears people’s lives apart and shears family happiness. Frequently in a divorce the parties lose much more than they gain.
But many of us, perhaps even most of us, are in the category of the still striving, amidst some victory and some failure. God teaches us to not give up, to fight discouragement, and to keep trying for what is right with a gentle and loving heart. And if in this life we never achieve the grand gospel standard, then we can die knowing we gave our lives to the best of causes. There are some goals in this life, like the scientist striving to end human suffering from cancer, that are worth the great effort required even if the goal is never reached. Unlike the scientist though, we know that none of our efforts are wasted. And we know that if we do what God asks of us, eventually our character, our spouse’s character, and our relationship with them will be perfected.
I thought of my friend and what a fitting description this servant song was of her. She works for what is just and fair according to the eternal truths of the Gospel. She seeks to conduct her life and persuade her husband according to those truths. When either of them fall short of that lofty standard, she forgives and she tries again. How painfully ironic it is that she is sometimes looked down upon, instead of being looked up to.
While I sat there pondering the description of this servant I remembered other examples in the scriptures where the servant didn’t exhibit those qualities. Just days earlier, I had studied about Hezekiah who was righteous servant, but lacked the patient determination required when working with people. In Isaiah chapter 39 Hezekiah made the mistake in showing off his wealth to the King of Babylon. Isaiah came after this incident and told him that the Lord had a message for him as a result. The day would come when the King of Babylon would take all of Judah’s wealth he had just witnessed and that Isaiah’s sons would be taken captive and demoted to being eunuchs in the palace of the king of Babylon. Hezekiah’s response was, “Good is the word of the Lord which thou hast spoken…For there shall be peace and truth in my days.” Hezekiah seems to be reassured that at least during his time of reign they would enjoy peace and resigns himself to the fate and autonomy of the next generation.
I have to say I was disappointed with the resignation that Hezekiah showed. In just the chapter before there is the record of Hezekiah who receives the word of the Lord through Isaiah that his sickness will lead to his death and that he should set his house in order. Hezekiah’s response is the opposite in this circumstance than it was from the next chapter. He humbly pleads with the Lord for more time, praying all night long, he begs. His answer from God is an additional 15 years of life. Maybe if he would have approached the message of the fall of his nation with the same zeal that he had when praying to the Lord for extended health, his outcome would have been different. But sometimes we can throw our hands up in the air when it comes to forces we can’t seem to control; this is especially true when working with people. But, not all leaders in the scriptures give up so easily and some show an extraordinary, determined patience.
Melchizedek was such a man. He was given an awesome responsibility. When he was called on to be king of Jerusalem we read that, “His people had waxed strong in iniquity and abomination; yea, they had all gone astray; they were full of all manner of wickedness” (Alma 13:18). But Melchizedek exercised “mighty faith” and preached repentance to his people (Alma 13:18). The scriptures teach that he accomplished his feat of achieving peace in the way that Enoch did (JST Genesis 14). Repentance and great change doesn’t happen in a moment. As Enoch’s ministry illustrated, Zion, or a god-like people of a just society, comes about only in “the process of time” (Moses 7:21). The greater priesthood was named after Melchizedek because he was such a great high priest (D&C 107:2). Surely, his patience and persistence contributed to such lofty praise. Melchizedek’s character fits the description of Isaiah’s servant song.
I thought to myself that in order for my friend to fulfill her mission in life she will not need the priesthood of Melchizedek; she will need the patience of Melchizedek.
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About five years ago, my family and I were gathered in an LDS church eating a luncheon prior to my brother’s temple marriage. One of the people there was my Aunt Julie. She is not LDS, but rather Catholic. I asked her and her husband if they would like me to walk them through the chapel when the luncheon was done. They welcomed the opportunity. When we arrived at the chapel they shared that they felt that women should be allowed to preach and pray in church, and asked if women could be priests. I answered that while we preach and pray, the office of a bishop requires the priesthood and we believe that it is a man’s responsibility to hold the priesthood. They spoke of equality and something was said, I don’t remember what, that indicated to me they thought that LDS women might want that opportunity. The idea was laughable to me. “No,” I laughed. “LDS women don’t want the priesthood and the responsibility that comes with it. We are maxed out as it is.”
I tried to explain why it was that I perceived that we weren’t looking for more work to do at Church. I explained to them about the visiting teaching program being similar to how a pastor would visit members of his congregation to minister personally to them. I had several women that I was responsible to visit every month, spiritually feed them, and administer to their needs. I explained how the typical pastoral duty of preaching to the congregation is shared by members of the Church, men and women alike. I told them that talks commonly begin with the joke of how the speaker tried to avoid the member of the bishopric whom they feared would ask them. Most of us cringe when we get called on to speak. I shared how women were given additional church responsibilities such a teaching Sunday School or leading in the Relief Society, Young Women’s, and Primary organizations. I said the idea that L.D.S. women felt there wasn’t enough work for them to do at Church and are looking for an opportunity for more was the exact opposite of the truth. Rather, there is camaraderie in feeling overwhelmed by what we have already been asked to do.
I thought of the myriad of other Gospel activities away from Church life that I feel a love of doing, a responsibility to do, and yet I constantly fall short of what I would like to accomplish. I didn’t mention this list because I didn’t want to terrify them about the prospect of ever becoming a member; I thought of missionary work, temple worship, family history work, personal Gospel study, service to those around me, and so forth.
I found the question of my Aunt and Uncle so ironic because my big conundrum at that time in my life was how to carry out the immense amount of work to create the family culture I wanted, and somehow also do my calling. Wanting the Priesthood was the exact opposite of what I was feeling. “No,” I thought to myself. “Allowing women have the priesthood would not encourage gender equality. On the contrary, it would tip the scales, becoming terribly unequal if women had the priesthood.”
My parting thought for them was that a fundamental doctrine of our religion is that the greatest work we will ever do will be within the walls of our own home. While we are equal partners with our husbands, we believe that women are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. We dream of having strong, faith-filled, fun families and raising amazing children. And in my experience, it was the women of those families that intuited what needed to be done and would sacrifice themselves until they reached that goal. They orchestrated the symphony that is a family. They were the CEO’s of the household. “No,” I said authoritatively, “The women of this church do not want the priesthood. We have enough on our plates already!”
I had this conversation before I understood that there was a group of women in my church, that I didn’t rub shoulders with, that actually wanted to “ordain women.” I still believe all that I shared with my aunt. If I were to have that conversation again with my aunt today, the only thing I would change is that I wouldn’t be so bold to speak on behalf of 5.5 million women.
My initial response to the Ordain Women movement was confusion. The women that I associated with were saying, “We have too much already.” So to hear other LDS women saying that they wanted “more” was surprising to me. However, after listening and trying to understand, I now think that for many women it isn’t actually the additional responsibility of the priesthood so much that many of them want, but fairness, justice, equality. Now, that is something I understand and want as well.
The question then becomes how we will achieve that fair treatment?. I believe that justice will eventually come through servants with the determination for justice, but also the gentleness like those described in Isaiah 42. Each of us can be that patient, persistent servant in our families and in our wards.
In order for us to have the fairness and equality we crave, we don’t need the priesthood of Melchizedek, we need the patience of Melchizedek.
How do we best respond when we are confronted with inequality, perceived or real? Especially in relationships we aren’t willing to discard, like our families, and opportunities we aren’t willing to walk away from, like our membership and callings in the church?
We need both patience in the weakness of others and persistence to achieve what is right.
We must learn to not be offended as Elder Bednar taught, “One of the greatest indicators of our own spiritual maturity is revealed in how we respond to the weaknesses, the inexperience, and the potentially offensive actions of others. A thing, an event, or an expression may be offensive, but you and I can choose not to be offended—and to say with Pahoran, ‘it mattereth not.’”
Later on in his talk Elder Bednar explained that while we refuse to take offense, we also shouldn’t just take it without complaint. Rather, he instructed that we should do the following: “If a person says or does something that we consider offensive, our first obligation is to refuse to take offense and then communicate privately, honestly, and directly with that individual.” Being patient and refusing to take offense shouldn’t be confused with being passive-aggressive or being a doormat. We don't just take mistreatment, we work for what is right. We honestly communicate our feelings.
I suspect that my whole life I will either be making mistakes or dealing with the mistakes of others in regards to ruling equally with a man. I love the examples of those more righteous than I who are involved in that process with such grace, patience and persistence for truth. Such a person is described in a talk given by Elder Anderson. He shared an example of the patient service of a female leader in the Church. He said, “There was a question raised about strengthening the worthiness of youth preparing to serve missions. Sister Elaine Jack said with a smile, ‘You know, Elder Ballard, the [women] of the Church may have some good suggestions … if they [are] asked. After all, … we are their mothers!’” To me, these are the words of a woman who might have experienced some being overlooked and undervalued. In my interpretation, they are the words of a woman who has loved the Church, who has tolerated and even loved the stellar, yet imperfect leaders within it, and still persisted for “justice unto truth.” I am sure she loved the men of the Church and saw so much good in them, but we are all working towards perfection. I love her patience and her persistence.
We will need the same qualities in our lives as well. Your bishop, your dad, your husband—Why did you think that they wouldn’t make any mistakes? Did you forget that we are all here to learn from our experiences and that none of us are perfect? Did you underestimate the magnificent task of becoming the priesthood leader described in D&C 121?
Elder Larry Wilson shared a similar faux pas in these words.
A month or so after we were married, my wife and I were taking a long road trip in the car. She was driving, and I was trying to relax. I say trying because the highway we were traveling had a reputation for speed traps, and my wife might have had a slight tendency toward a lead foot in those days. I said, “You’re going too fast. Slow down.”
My new bride thought to herself, “Well, I’ve been driving for nearly 10 years, and other than my driver’s education teacher, no one ever told me how to drive before.” So she replied, “What gives you the right to tell me how to drive?”
Frankly, her question caught me off guard. So, doing my best to step up to my new responsibilities as a married man, I said, “I don’t know—because I’m your husband and I hold the priesthood.”
Brethren, just a quick tip: if you are ever in a similar situation, that is not the right response. And I’m happy to report, it was the one and only time I ever made that mistake.
Now, if those good men made mistakes sometimes in understanding how to lead in the home, it brings me to ask the question: How could we ever expect any average LDS man to not make mistakes when it came to leading? We are human, and we are learning. This is a challenging task. Some men chronically hang back instead of taking their places to preside in their homes. Other men are seemingly constantly guilty of unrighteous dominion. Most men are doing remarkably well, but “learning by experience” means that they sometimes don’t strike the perfect balance and need slight course corrections.
We can learn a lot from other faithful Saints who were treated unfairly. The idea that a man has 51% of the vote at home versus 49% of a woman is distasteful to me and contrary to the doctrine of equal partners. I can only imagine how it must have tasted to be treated as less than human because of the color of your skin. I was inspired by the patience shared in the story of Thoba and Julia, members of the church in South Africa.
Julia and Thoba were among the early black converts in South Africa. After the apartheid regime ended, black and white members of the Church were permitted to attend church together. For many, the equality of interaction between the races was new and challenging. One time, as Julia and Thoba attended church, they felt they were treated less than kindly by some white members. As they left, Thoba complained bitterly to her mother. Julia listened calmly until Thoba had vented her frustration. Then Julia said, “Oh, Thoba, the Church is like a big hospital, and we are all sick in our own way. We come to church to be helped.”
Julia’s comment reflects a valuable insight. We must not only be tolerant while others work on their individual illnesses; we must also be kind, patient, supportive, and understanding. As God encourages us to keep on trying, He expects us to also allow others the space to do the same, at their own pace. The Atonement will come into our lives in even greater measure. We will then recognize that regardless of perceived differences, all of us are in need of the same infinite Atonement.
If Julia and Thoba, survivors of apartheid, found a way to love and be forgiving with the weaknesses of those around us, then we can too. However, my heart breaks for women who are under-appreciated and under-valued. I would do anything to help heal the pain that was caused by such a wound. Many years ago, the second General Relief Society President of the Church, Eliza R. Snow, spoke to that need we have as women to be appreciated. She said:
We like to be appreciated but if we do not get all the appreciation which we think is our due, what matters? We know the Lord has laid high responsibilities upon us, and there is not a wish or desire that the Lord has implanted in our hearts in righteousness but will be realized, and the greatest good we can do to ourselves and each other is to refine and cultivate ourselves in everything that is good and ennobling to qualify us for those responsibilities.”
Remember what Elder Maxwell taught, “Our individual worth is already divinely established as “great ”; it does not fluctuate like the stock market.” Your worth is not dependent upon what others think of you. We don’t need the priesthood to be equal because we already are equal, regardless of what others think. In order for others to value us as equals we will not need the Melchizedek priesthood; we need Melchizedek patience.
