Master W has been weaning himself. Maybe it is a blessing. Knowing that this might be my last baby, I don't know if I would ever have the strength to choose to do this. So, maybe it is mercy that this child is choosing to do it on his own. Someone asked in exasperation if I wanted to nurse him when he was in Kindergarten. That imagery even makes me chuckle. Of course not. It isn't that I want to nurse a child when they are older, it is just that this time has been so sweet it is hard to see it end.
What do I love about it? I love his sweet dependence on me and how he looks to me to deliver him from hunger. I love the gratitude I see in his eyes because I have heard his cry and will feed him. I love the power that I have to soothe and comfort him. I love that his wriggly body sits still and just lets me hold him, look at him, rock him, and take time for him. I love to be close to him. I love that it connects him to only me, something that only I can to for him. It binds him to me. I love that I have to slow down to do this for him. I love how it connects me to him, that I can't go anywhere for long without him. It binds me to him. In some ways it has been the simplest phase of motherhood to me. I feel like I am many times a day showing him my absolute love and devotion in a way that convinces him. And I admit it, it is nice to burn calories while I am lying down holding a baby. It goes by so quickly. Nursing a baby is just a season of life--a moment.
Wondering if I might not ever be able to nurse my own little baby again has brought upon me this deep melancholy. I was trying to make sense of it all with a dear friend. She reminded me of the miracle that I have had three babies despite my fertility challenges. That didn't make me feel better.
Aren't there just some things in life that tasting it only makes you want more? Like a perfectly baked cookie, an exhilarating hike in a beautiful setting, a heart-felt conversation with a friend, feeling God speak to you through the power of the Holy Ghost. Who experiences these things and then says to themselves, "Ok, I am done. I got to taste it. I am grateful for what I got." I don't. I say, "That was really good. What can I do to have more of that?" When I experience the wonderful things in this life it only wets my appetite and makes me want more.
This is how I feel about being a mother. Being a mother has been the most satisfying experience of all of my life. Yet, strangely it has awoken a joy and love within me that I don't think will ever be satisfied. I don't know if it is possible for me to ever feel "done."
I have had the question asked me by a friend that loved food if I thought that we would get to eat in heaven. Going to Hawaii and Yosemite has made me wonder if this is not what heaven will look like. In heaven will we have beautiful nature, music that makes your hear soar, and delicious food? Though I have loved these things in this life, I think that I could abide the thought of anyone of these things missing in heaven. What I can not endure is to not be a mother, to have an end to that joy and to not taste it ever again. And so I say, "Please God, let me be a mother. I am not done yet."
The wonderful thing is that through the restored Gospel I know that this is exactly what heaven will be like...
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Red Butte Gardens
Miss R is absolutely obsessed with Snow White. We tell the story to her over and over again. I try to change some parts or add details to make it intersting. I usually change and add a lot of detail about what Snow White makes for dinner for the dwarfs. She doesn't call them dwarfs, they are hi hos. And they don't live in the cottage, they live in the rillage.
Hi Hos- the dwarfs
Rillage- village, but what she means is cottage
To make Mr W happy, just follow him around in nature and don't tell him no. Let him go where ever he wants and let him explore. And while you are following him, if you want to see something cute, say his nickname, "Twister!" in a voice that lets him no that you want him to stop. You will see his head jut forward, both arms cock back like he is trying to catch a baton, and his little legs move as fast as they can go. If you had the view of the front of them you would see a huge smile and fear that his mother might catch him.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Arches National Park
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| Conqueror |
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| Ms R is imagining that the rocks are a home. Here she is going to sleep on her "bed." She surprised me most of all. She loved being there all day. She liked playing in the sand, making imaginary homes and forts in nature, she like seeing the surroundings, she loved being with her family, and when she was getting tired of hiking all I had to do was imagine with her. She did the entire Delicate Arch hike on her own all of the way up and back. The imaginary game that we played was that Dicky Duck, Squirrel Nutkin, Bunny Rabbit, Snow White, Rapunzel were all hiking with her. I was all of their voices. She fed them snacks and carried them in her hands and had conversations with them all up the trail. Most of the conversations were centered on her taking them to Lake Tahoe and what they would do there. She is so fun. |
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| Mr. W checking out to see the face attached to that hand. "Wait, are you my mom?" He was happy being outside all day long. This was his dream. |
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| This Dad and this boy need nature. |
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| When the little ones got sick of hiking we just pulled out the sand toys and I played with them while the others finished the hike. |
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
What Rachie is Teaching Me About Motherhood
The Ms. R is extremely dramatic. And I think to myself, "Good for her! Require some work out of your mom and dad." She was such an easy baby and I think I can empathize with the dramatics. I was the same when I was younger. She has big feelings. When Rach starts crying she gets carried away in the emotion of if all and doesn't even remember what it is about. I'll ask her why she is crying and she'll say something that I know is totally unrelated like needing to see her cousin Charlotte more. Here is an example of a conversation that I had with her in her in the care the other day while she was crying.
Mom: "I like to be happy."
Rach: "I like to be sad."
Mom: "Why do you like to be sad?"
Rach: "Because I don't know my letters!" (absolutely nothing to do with it)
Rach: "You destroyed my life, you destroyed my life!" (The dramatics)
Rach: "I wanted Charlotte to love me and not you!" (Somehow it always comes back to Charlotte.)
Rach: "You aren't a little girl, mom! She wanted me to go in her room and not you!" (A little jealousy.)
A minute pause.
Rach: "I just love you." (We always end this way. Just give her one minute is all.)
How to Gently Say No
Sometimes if she is crying I will pretend like I am crying. Her nurturing personality always falls for this one. She will immediately turn her attention to me, take both of her pudgy hands and gently cup my face with her hands and say these exact words in a very happy voice, "I have a good idea!" Then she will tell me what we could do that she thinks will make me happy. Sometimes she will be mad at me and tell me I can't play with her toy or something. I will do the fake cry. Immediately, she turns her attention to making me happy. Her scowl is erased from her face and she cups my face with her hands and says in a happy voice, "I have a good idea! You could play with it later!" I have tried to copy her when I have to say something hard to her like we can't go to the park. If she is sad, I try to show to her that same tenderness that she shows me. And so, you could say, that my mother-hearted daughter is teaching me how to mother.
How to Correct Bad Behavior
One other thing that Rachie does that drives me nuts is that she is always hitting and kicking her younger brother. It drives me crazy. I try everything to get it to stop. It is torture for me. I am a very protective mother and I hate to see a child picked on or hurt. And so to see one adored child that doesn't like the adored baby and does things to hurt him is like you are getting ripped in two. You want to spank the toddler and reassure and love her all at the same time. (As a side note, I don't believe in spanking, but I am frequently tempted.)
She acted up again at Aunt Tay' house. I told her that I was disappointed in a very even voice. I think that word may not be a word that my nearly perfect sister-in-law would choose. She told me a story of a little boy that hit a lot in nursery and the mother would just react by gently saying that he shouldn't do that. I guess I really believe in that kind of mothering. I think that regardless of what I do, yell, punish, whatever, Rachie is going to hit William this year. I need to choose what I want to say over and over and over again to her. Eventually she will get it What will it be? "You have disappointed me." Or, "Stop! I am so sick of you doing that! You are so mean!" Or could I choose something more like, "We don't hit because you are a nice sister." I mean really, if the result is the same, why not program them to believe that they are good?
How Your Dress Effects the Way You View Yourself
Rach lives in her Snow White dress. When she can't wear that one it is one of her fancy church dresses that she refers to as her Cinderella dress. It is a major conflict and travesty if she can't wear one of those dresses, but I think that I am beginning to understand why. She usually always demands that everyone refer to her as Snow White. One day I called her Snow White when she didn't have her dress on. She told me that she wasn't Snow White. I began to notice a trend. She demanded everyone to call her the name of the person that she was dressed as. She believes that when she is dressed as Snow White that she actually becomes Snow White. I wonder if we all are more influenced by how we dressed than what we realize.
Visiting Granny
Granny loves to take the kids out to lunch. She loves to see the great grands happy.
She likes for Master I to choose the place and he chose Fat Cats. The Fat Cats had a Costa Vida inside.
It is always important to choose a place that has "toys" for the kids to play on.
Later that evening we went to ice cream at the creamery. We also went to the store so that she could buy the kids their own bag of candy. These are Granny's requirements: kids choose eating establishment, kids eat whatever they want to order, kids play on the toys, kids get a bag of treats, kids go to the store for more treats or toys, kids feed the ducks at the BYU botany pond with the bread that she has been saving, and she watches while the kids play at Vivian Park up Provo Canyon. If she can have all of this joy by bestowing love on her great grands while hopefully catching snippets of meaningful conversation with one grandchild (now parent) about how good the Lord has been to her in her life, she will feel the Holy Ghost and she will feel that her life is complete. I was talking with Master I about how much she gives and loves. Her latest idea is that she will give her great grandchildren $100 dollars if they will read a book of scripture all of the way through. This is a woman that detests spending money on herself. I told Master I that it is almost like she says to her grandkids in her actions, "Take all that I have, all that I have earned and saved over the years...just promise me that you will be good and be happy."
And she has won the hearts of all of these children. Just the other day Rachel told me that she wanted to live with the grandma that gives her candy (Granny) and that has scratches (wrinkles) on her face and hands. I want to grow old and care for nothing but my God and my children and grandchildren. But, could I do it without the scratches?
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
What Have We Been Up To Lately
The other thing that I have been doing a lot lately is walking home with Isaiah and his buddies from school. I have even taken them hiking. They can't get enough of it. They love walking home, trying to beat the bus, and devouring their hard earned popsicle. The walk two miles up hill. I love working in exercise to time spent with my children. And I simply can't get enough of time outside in this gorgeous Spring weather.
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The single best piece of news is that we were able to motivate Miss R to keep dry underpants through the night with a promised prize of a Snow White Toy. Here she is in Walmart with her reward. I met a lady selling her book in Costco about teaching children to overcome challenges by changing the way that they think and taking control of their thoughts. She told the story of how she had a son that was 7 that wet the bed. What finally helped him to overcome it was that she would scratch his back at night and she would tell him how he was going to wake up the next morning dry. They visualized the whole thing together. I tried it out with Rach and it worked. But, I have yet to recreate the same success. I am going to really focus on doing this with her though.
Other than that, we have been trying to sell stuff on line, cooking, cleaning, reading library books, visiting with family, and trying not to think about Dad's looming test. He just took it last weekend. For the week before his test he couldn't eat. He would eat breakfast out of duty, skip lunch, and feel too sick (from stress) to eat by the time dinner rolled around. I couldn't wait for him to finally take this darn test and go back to normal life of eating, sleeping, and enjoying other luxuries of life. Isaiah has prayed for him a lot that he would do well on the test. I think in the end this test will prove to be a blessing for our family. Mark has been under such pressure. This makes the kids and I feel compassion for him. We try to lighten his load and he feels loved. In the end, we are blessed with a passed test as well as closer relationships. This is the dream that we are living.
An interesting thing has happened to my heart as Mark has spent a lot of extra time with his colleagues at work. I love them so much more than I used to and so does he. We see them as vulnerable and desiring the same things that we desire. Ther
Monday, May 21, 2012
Molases Crinkles aka Gingersnaps
My husband grew up loving gingersnaps. In their family the cookie was affectionately called "molasses crinkles." I love cookies. They are probably my favorite dessert. But, I am very picky. They should be soft and chewy on the inside and crunchy on the outside. They shouldn't be flat, but they shouldn't be so puffy they resembe a ball either. They must be thick. It must be the type of cookie that bakeries get away with charging two dollars for. After making these cookies many times I have come up with a recipe that fits my requirements. My husband was quite pleased.
Please note that the inside is underdone while the outside is crisp.
1 1/2 Cups of Butter or Margarine
1 Cup brown sugar
1 Cup White sugar
1 Cup molasses
3 eggs
1 tsp salt
1 tsp cream of tartar
1 tsp cloves
2-3 tsp ginger
2 tsp cinnamon
4 tsp baking soda
6 Cups flour
Mix. Refridgerate dough. Bake at 350 for 10-15 minutes depending on size
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