What Heaven Absolutely Must Have

Master W has been weaning himself.  Maybe it is a blessing.  Knowing that this might be my last baby, I don't know if I would ever have the strength to choose to do this.  So, maybe it is mercy that this child is choosing to do it on his own. Someone asked in exasperation if I wanted to nurse him when he was in Kindergarten.  That imagery even makes me chuckle.  Of course not.  It isn't that I want to nurse a child when they are older, it is just that this time has been so sweet it is hard to see it end.

What do I love about it?  I love his sweet dependence on me and how he looks to me to deliver him from hunger. I love the gratitude I see in his eyes because I have heard his cry and will feed him.  I love the  power that I have to soothe and comfort him.  I love that his wriggly body sits still and just lets me hold him, look at him, rock him, and take time for him. I love to be close to him.  I love that it connects him to only me, something that only I can to for him.  It binds him to me. I love that I have to slow down to do this for him.  I love how it connects me to him, that I can't go anywhere for long without him.  It binds me to him.  In some ways it has been the simplest phase of motherhood to me.  I feel like I am many times a day showing him my absolute love and devotion in a way that convinces him.  And I admit it, it is nice to burn calories while I am lying down holding a baby.  It goes by so quickly.  Nursing a baby is just a season of life--a moment.

Wondering if I might not ever be able to nurse my own little baby again has brought upon me this deep melancholy.  I was trying to make sense of it all with a dear friend. She reminded me of the miracle that I have had three babies despite my fertility challenges.  That didn't make me feel better.

Aren't there just some things in life that tasting it only makes you want more?  Like a perfectly baked cookie, an exhilarating hike in a beautiful setting, a heart-felt conversation with a friend, feeling God speak to you through the power of the Holy Ghost.  Who experiences these things and then says to themselves, "Ok, I am done.  I got to taste it.  I am grateful for what I got."  I don't.  I say, "That was really good.  What can I do to have more of that?" When I experience the wonderful things in this life it only wets my appetite and makes me want more.

This is how I feel about being a mother.  Being a mother has been the most satisfying experience of all of my life.  Yet, strangely it has awoken a joy and love within me that I don't think will ever be satisfied.  I don't know if it is possible for me to ever feel "done."

I have had the question asked me by a friend that loved food if I thought that we would get to eat in heaven. Going to Hawaii and Yosemite has made me wonder if this is not what heaven will look like.  In heaven will we have beautiful nature, music that makes your hear soar, and delicious food? Though I have loved these things in this life, I think that I could abide the thought of anyone of these things missing in heaven.  What I can not endure is to not be a mother, to have an end to that joy and to not taste it ever again.  And so I say, "Please God, let me be a mother.  I am not done yet."

The wonderful thing is that through the restored Gospel  I know that this is exactly what heaven will be like...