Hard Labor

I went to the gym this  morning and for the first time in a long time I  did a cardio kick boxing class.  The instructor prided herself in being tough.  She was muscular, energetic, and demanded a lot from everyone in the class.  Her German accent added to the commanding effect  She went around to each member of the class offering feedback, or really pushing them to go harder or to have a less sloppy technique.  I have never experienced anything like it.  When she was making her rounds she came and told me I needed to squat lower and punch harder.  I humbly pled for mercy saying, "I can't.  I don't think I am going to be able to work out tomorrow."

I actually really enjoyed myself.  I like having a hard workout.  At the end of the grueling session we were stretching.  I felt grateful that my body could do such a hard thing.  Those thoughts reminded me of labor.  I though about my labor with Master W and painful it was.  I got an epidural right before it was time to push.  The contractions were so hard and I was told to start pushing.  I told them I wasn't doing anything until my epidural started to work.  They told me it probably wasn't going to work and it was time to push.  So push I did and screamed to whole way through.  My doctor turned to his nurse and said, "Can you believe all labors used to be like this?  When I first started my practice there were no epidurals."  When I finally pushed the baby out, I cried, but not for joy.  I cried for myself.  I couldn't believe that just happened.  Labor was too intense...there was not time for tears then.

Can someone explain to me why remembering labor fills me with yearning to experience it again?  I can't explain it, but I feel it.  I love labor and I am so grateful that my body was able to do that.  I love becoming a mother, I love being a mother.

So these are my stream of conscious thoughts that I had during one stretch: Grateful my body could do a hard work out, grateful my body could do a hard labor, yearning to go through labor again, submitting to the reality that I probably won't have this experience again, sorrowing, and then gratitude.  Tremendous gratitude.  Grateful that I was able to give birth to three babies and that my body was able to nurse them and nurture them. Such intense emotions in such a short period of time, I couldn't help but cry.  I put my face towards my knee instead of looking at my instructor, but I wonder if she caught a glimpse of my tears and thought her workout might have been a little over the top.